This is me

Sometimes when life gets busy and new chapters of life start, it is good to remember who you are. I wrote the post below a while ago, and needed to read it to find myself again. I have tweeked it, but it is pretty much the same as the original. I think we all need to do this from time to time. Know who you are, rejoice in who you are: the good, bad and ugly. Constantly seek to better yourself before you try to better others ( my life lesson this month ;)

This is me

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 12:28pm ( original post date )

I am:

Distracted easily, hotheaded, emotions lead. If provoked I could shoot lasers of hate out of my eyes in your direction. I can say the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong way, causing awkward moments. I then overcompensate other times, I think too hard about what I am about to say and give myself a headache. My humor is not always projected how I would like. My release button for my emotions is broken, I allow myself to wallow in my sad emotions for too long. I laugh when it is inappropriate, and cry at watching anything on tv. I curse when I am angry and when I am happy. I am not always liked, yet not always hated. I have an energy level that can be annoying at times. I am lazy. I am selfish. I am inconsistent.

I am not proud of my false, but I am aware they are my own. It is important to know and work on your false, but it is more important to know your strengths and rejoice in them. It is called balance.....

I am ALSO:

Loyal, focused, and courage driven. I trust my God with all my heart. I love deeply. My empathy for others can bleed my heart dry. I am a person with a gifting of mercy and understanding. I will not give up in a difficult fight ( thought I may grow weary and slow in pace, I always have a big finish). On paper my life can seem chaotic, I chose to believe in God's will for my life regardless. I laugh when I am happy, and laugh when I am sad. I know light can be found even in the darkest of places. It only takes the smallest amount of hope to keep me going, and I am able to see hope that others may not. I love my husband more than myself, and would defend him and my children to the death. I learn from my mistakes. I am in love with my family and friends, and would walk on fire to see them happy.

This is me!!!! I feel sorry for anything or anyone who tries to get in my way while I am focused on God and His plan for my life. I am not perfect, but I AM WONDERFULLY MADE by my heavenly father who loves me. It is in this I find my freedom. It is my freedom that brings me joy. Joy that will be passed on for generations.

Freedom

I started this blog months ago, and I thought I would finish it! Resistance, you got me that time.

My whole life I have been a very intuitive and empathetic person. I believe God has gives our hearts what I like to call antennas. These antennas can only pick up emotion, not radio signals. I have come to realize that one of my spiritual giftings is empathy, which I have no doubt I inherited that from my mother. My antennas are strong and love to pick up the slightest of anyone's emotions on my radar. So that means I cry at everything: when I pray, when I love, when I laugh, when I am mad. It is a good tool when it comes to loving people. The problem comes when I no longer use the empathy as a prayer tool and I keep everyone else's emotions and mine on my shoulders. That is what I have been doing the past 2 years.

In 2008 I reached my boiling point. I had so many tragedies previously that it felt as if my heart's antennas shattered from the pressure of the things that kept occurring. Instead of rebuilding them back, I wrapped my heart up in a soft blanket to shield it from pain. I stopped crying as much at movies, or at other's struggles. I no longer cried when God cried. Although I was still myself, somewhat, I was no longer letting God mold me. I realized that I wanted to not feel anything because latley it had been painful to feel. I allowed myself to feel the imense love for my daugther and family, but I was all done with everything else. In doing this, I was putting myself in a prison of my own making. A spiritual battle commenced around me, and I was too stunned to keep figthing. My weapon I fight with is love. I was created to love, not to sit in a prison cell. Sometimes you have to feel pain before you can really love.

One day I came across famialar verses in the bible.

~Galations5:1 (message) "Christ has set us free to live a free life"

This is when I realized I wanted FREEDOM! I shattered my home made prison in that moment. It was nice to breath fresh air.

~2 Corinthians 1:3-7(message) All praise to the God and Father of our Master Jesus the messiah! Father of all mercy! God of healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get full measure of that too.( granted, I know in this context Paul is writing to the church in Corinth to not give up following Christ even though they were being persecuted. It still spoke to me about picking up my sword again and keep running )

Do you notice how in this, God never told us because we followed him it would be easy. That because we are christians God erased all the pain and problems. He promised we would never be alone. How great is that?

So pretty much, I will feel every emotion deeply and I will cry them out with my heavenly Father to whom wants to answer my prayers. I was not meant to carry these emotions by myself, what a simple yet HARD lesson to learn. To let my pride go and ask for help from my heavenly creator requires trust and belief that is harder than I thought it would be. So I will take it day by day.

Prequel

So, I am finally doing it. I am blogging. I love to write, I just never make the time. So this is me making time!! I have many thoughts all the time, and I think I need to start jotting some of them down.

Random thought. I saw Star Trek, and loved it. I am not gonna geek out and go into all the details, but post movie I had a realization. The movie brought you back before Scotty invented transwarp beaming, before Spock and Kirk were friends, before Kirk was a Captain. Most know the stories of The Enterprise's adventures and the character's victories. How nice is it to see all the personal journey's of the crew before they were a crew. To see who they were before they were saving the world, to see the relationships being formed. A prequel. This is not the first movie to do this to a popular series. Batman Begins shows us how Bruce Wayne's personal 'demons' lead him down the path to find Batman, to find redemption. To see how he learned to fight and come up with all the cool batman weapons. George Lucas took us back in Star Wars: Episodes 1-3 and delighted us with how Padme and Anakin fell in love, devestated us to see Anakin make choices that turned a good guy into a bad one. These prequels told us the stories before the story. As I child I often wondered of my parent's prequel. Who they were before they were my parents. I always asked for more stories of them when they were young, and their adventures. There is such wisdom in there experience and such joy in their lives if I take the time to walk through memory lane with them. I saw a picture of a young group of boys, come to find out it was my dad's basketball team. He was the handsome one in the middle. What I wouldn't give to know that guy in the picture. How different was he then than he is now?

that is when it hit me. Right now I am in the prequel of my life. My relatioships are forming, I am pushing past my personal demons choosing joy that is shaping who I am. I am learning to fight and choosing paths that will hopefully not lead to the dark side. If my kids were to come back in time from 2040, what would they see now? Hopefully their mom on the path to the leader/warrior she was created to be. Hopefully they will see in me and their father where they got their fiesty and tenatious spirit that is filled with heartbreaking love for others, full of grace and understanding. Hopefully we make a path for them worth following.

Today is the day where hopefully becomes surely. Where probable becomes definate. Because it wouldn't be a good prequel without a marking moment you make for yourself. Where you choose your path and follow it until your feet are bleeding, and then you still keep going.